The Forks Mystery in Forks: UNTAMABLE LUST EDITION
by Judyfr4nk3nbutt90
Summary: A mysterious unknown creature is tormenting the people of Forks by stabbing them with forks. Edward is on the case!
1. Chapter 1

_Authours Note: omg hay gais! I just got the inspiration to write some Twilight fanfiction! As you all know I'm probably the BIGGEST Twilight fan there is, so it was about time! Remember to buy local! --xoxo Judy_

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"Welcome to Forks, Alabama!" The sign read.

Bella looked around wide eyed and in awe of her new surroundings. "Que bonita y mysterioso!" Bella exclaimed. She was moving because of her drunken mother and wanted to go on a mysterious adventure in search of mythical creatures. Had she been a little more perceptive, she would have seen a black blur blot out the sun for a fraction of a second and stab a trucker in the leg with a fork. But Bella was too caught up in the experience of new-placedom. "Es muy fantastica!" Her imagination ran wild with thoughts of discount Cheetos. She proceeded to the nearest gas station, a five dollar bill crunched in her sweaty, eager palm.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Forks, Alabama…

"Over 40 people stabbed with forks this week!" exclaimed Edward as he painted his nails a luscious shade of lavender. "Truly this is a mystery! A mystery I must solve if only I weren't so fabulous!" In his fury he dropped a drop of nail polish on his cuticle. He hissed in pouty frustration. "Oh drat! This is just going to ruin my cuticles!" If he had been paying more attention he would have seen a bush move by itself and stab his dog with a shiny, sparkling fork.

Elsewhere at the Forks town square…

The police looked on with mild fright and arousal as the ridiculously toned young man lit fire to a pile of clothes.

"Take that, you devilish invention of the white man!" Jacob screamed as he streaked around gleefully, family jewels jostling in the wind. The police were too caught up in the situation to realize that they all now had forks stuck in their buttocks.

Bella wanders onto the scene munching delicious Cheetos, orange powder forming a halo around her pouty lips, her fingers stained orange. She exclames, "Mi muchacho es un pollo pequeno!"

TO BE CONTINUED?

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_tell me if i should continue, you guys! It was an arduous task to construct this piece of fiction, but if you want me to finish it I ttly will!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's note: Well I'm back, guyes! Dispite the numerous complaints I've received, I've decided to continue with chapter two of this story. Yes, your cries, your peas, have fallen on deaf bears. I'm from the future!!_

_All my love,_

_Judith Franken Buttocks_

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The Forcks Mystery in Forks

Shapter 2: SHIT HAPPENS

The angry man was angry. "Those forking bastards have forked off with all my forking forks!!"

There were no more forks left in Forks, Ohio. No dinnerware set was left complete. All barbecue forks had vanished. The forks souvenir shops were completely devoid of any commemorative engraved forks. Even the plastic sporks had vanished from the McDonalds, and no one uses sporks.

The angry man spat in frustration while the young police lieutenant shifted miserably. "I'm sorry, sir. We were…incapacitated," the lad wimpered as he rubbed his punctured butt.

Chief Chuck Swan grumbled irritably and cast a scathing look upon the law-enforcing youth. "FORK YOU AND FORK YOUR PARTNER!! YOU FORKED UP THIS TIME! YOU FORK UP AGAIN AND YOU'RE OFF THIS FORKING FORCE!!"

"Yes, sir…"

MEANWHILE, fabulous international vampire of mystery, Fruspotho, DID NOT APPEARE IN THIS FANFIC.

Scene change:

"Hola mi amigo! Que es up wit choo dawg?" Bella said.

"I came from the future to prevent that from happening, but I failed!"

"Si? Solamente uno muchaco en mis pantalones."

"No! They're dead! They're all dead!"

"Pero es un Chihuahua en mis pantalones tambien."

"MY GOD! The sky! There's thousands of them!"

"Si, es muy triste."

"SHUT THE FORK UP YOU FORKING BITCH!" The teenager sitting in the row in front of Bella shouted. "WE'RE TRYING TO WATCH THE FORKING MOVIE, FOR FORKS SAKE!!"

"Que un Chihuahua bueno!"

"GAAAAH!"

Chapter end.


	3. Chapter 3

The forks mystery in Forks- chapter TREE

LOCATION: FORKS, MISSISSIPPI

By: Judith Franken Buttocks

…From the future…

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***shower water running***

Edwards walks upstairs towards the sounds.

Edward: "Bella?...is that you?"

**Singing voice emanating from the bathroom**

Mysterious voice: "I'm not a girl….not yet a womannnn. All I neeeeeed is tiiime, but I'm more than satiiiisssfiiiiiieed…hmmm hmmm mmmm"

Edward: "Bella is that you? You sound like you have a cold.. I can't aofford to get sick. Winter formal is coming up and I must make an appearance on Regis And Kelly In the monrningning."

**Bella Walks up the stairs behind Edward**

Bella: "EDWARD? IS THAT You? Yo pienso que ti tenemos no HANG OUT ANYMORE? You say you MOVE but you HERE? Por que tu esta AQUI? TU ESTA AQUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIII?"

Edward" HOLY FORK CONSUELA, SHUT THE FORK UP. I'm looking for Bella."

Bella" SI SI, Bella is a meee!"

Edward: **sigh** " No Consuela, Bella can't speak forkanese, and she's short, balding, and sometimes has eyes that look like a sad puppy but when you take a closer look you realize their just cataracts…."

Bella: " SI SI that is a me! I get make ova from you sista! She fix me! I am bootyfull lika you!"

Edward: "…..ha…..haha…"

Edward rolls on the ground laughing.

*Bathroom door opens*

(Steam spills out from the room and the light shifts over Jacobs glistening, somehow perfectly tan body..even though everyone else in this town is as pale as a forking ghost..ehem anyways. His gorgeousness catches Edwards and Consuela's..I mean Bella's breath)

Edward: "My….Jacob….I THOUGHT I would find you here….I came to ask you….Can I have my hair straightner back?"

Jacob: "Edward…You're looking…Dappper this morning.. Did you come to take Consuela to school?"

Bella: "ME NOMBRE ES BELLLAAAA!"

Jacob: "OMG CONSUELA, Shut the fork up!"

Edward:" No…I just came to get my hair straightner back….After I fired Consuela when her ….services..were no longer useful to me, I forgot it here…and my Paul Mitchell straightner just doesn't have that same feel as this Chi one does. Besides this one is pink. And pink makes me…..*eyes glisten with golden beauty* Happy…."

Jacob: Oh Edward….You know we can't be found on the same property together…but I just….It's good to see you again."

Edward: Yes….It's good to see me again too…"

Bella: "Ehem…..yo necesito a ir a la escuela!"

Welshware in Forks, the night of Winter Formal, the mysterious fork-stabber is still on a rampage, hiding in the crowd and stabbing the guests with forks. No one knows who it is. Forks have been banned from the school cafeteria and replaced with chopsticks.

Bella and Edward stand at the concessions.

"Bella, you should be good at eating with chopsticks, you're Mexican!"

"Si, pero mi pero es en mi casa. Chalupa."

The Cullen family walks up.

Rosalie eyes Bella disdainfully. "Edward, I thought you fired Consuela."

"I did, but she keeps following me around. I can't get rid of her! She's driving me forking insane!"

Alice interrupts. "Wait, I'm getting a vision! Tweedledee and Tweedledum are coming our way."

Jessica and Angela walk up. "Hey guys!" The Cullen family stares at them, eyes turning black. "Hey Bella! I thought you guys broke up!"

"No, no! No nosotros break up. Ay un duele en mi estomogo. Donde esta mi Chalupa?"

Jessica: "HAHAHA Bella you are like SO funny….OWWWW! What the fork?"

Angela: "OMG Jessica…there's a fork…in your…bee-hind…"

Edward: " HAHAHAHA She said 'bee-hind'! HAHAHAHAHAHA"

Jessica: OMG you guys this isn't funny! It means the mysterious fork stabber must be somewhere near by! You guys could be next! Owie!

Angela: "We need to find out who did this!"

Angela and Jessica run off.. Jessica limping with the fork still in her butt.

Alice: " LOL the fork stayed in her BUTT!"

Edward: ' HAHAHAHA YOU SAID BUTT! YOU SAID BUTT!"

Bella: Que es un Butt?

Edward: HAHAHA she said Butt too! Hahahahahahahahahahaha

Jacob: Mind if I butt in?

Edward: HAHAHAHAHAHA OMFG HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG OMG…omg…omg…ha…haha…..omg ok…ok guys….hahaha srsly….haha…..wait….my butt..? WTF MY BUTT!"

Bella: Si si! Su butt! Ahahahahaha!

Edward: Shut the fork up Consuela! It's not funny! There's a forking fork in my forking butt!

Alice: "What….wat is going on here? You guys…I didn't even see it coming with my visions….What's happening?"

Edward: I….I….couldnt even read their thoughts…..as they looked at my butt to stare at it…surely they would have thought SOMETHING? Like….I don't understand? My butt is beautiful! Just eye-catching! It's so perfect…how could they not have thought something that I would have heard!"

Jacob; Its true….your butt is perfect…so round and soft…

Edward: I KNOW!

Jacob: Perhaps we should go after this perprtator….to ruin something so pure and beautiful….

Edward: What was that last thing you just mumbled?

Jacob: huh? Wha…oh nothing..um we should go find out who did this you guys! Let's gooOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WTF! My ass!"

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To Be Continuedededed.

_Who is this butt stabing fiend? Why can't Bella speak English? Why is Jacob so perfect? _

_Find out! Next time on:_

_DRAGON BALLLLLL ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ_

_Haha jk guys…_

_Judith Franken Buttocks….LOL BUTT._

_-FIN-_


	4. Chapter 4

The Forks Mystery in Forks CHAPTER 4!

Later in the evening…..The prom seems to be going well…the music is playing, the drinks are flowing…non alcoholic of course ;) … All seems to be going well..except for…

JACOBS BEHIND.

Edward : " You know..it's too bad that Jared guy had to leave the party early.."

Alice " You mean Jacob…"

Edward "Right..He really seemed to get me..ya know?I don't know theres something different about him."

Alice: "Kay….So what are we going to do about this Edward? It seems like this guy..or GIRL Is on a Rampage! We can't let them continue on with this! What do you think Jasper?"

Jasper: "The…the…blood….That fork really got that kid's butt good huh….I need to get out of here.."

WHOOSHH

Angela: "Guess the whole blood thing still really gets to him huh? Ha, not very manly if you ask me!"

Alice: "Oh hi..Angela…How is your night going….cough cough no one cares cough.."

Angela: Oh miiine is going sooo swell! Hey..Wasn't Edward just standing next to you…Where did he go?"

Alice : (**That bastard left me with HER!*** )

Meanwhile…out on the terrace…under the moonlit sky…no starlit…no moonlit…Yes..moonlit sky.. A tall, dark, figure sits on the railing looking up at the moon.

Edward enters, (Bella's lullaby playing in the background) ironic? ;)

Edward: "Jared…is that you?"

Mysterious person: "Que?"

Edward" Damnit Bella! I'm looking for that tall…tan…muscle-y, handsome fellow that was admiring me earlier..Do you know where he is?"

The mysterious dark figure turns, the moonlight enlightening their features.

Jacob: "It's Jacob…not Jared…but you can call me what ever you'd like.."

Edward: "Oh! I…I'm sorry..you fooled me.."

Jacob: "Guess Im not the only one that seems to be fooled tonight… Are the rumors true?"

Edward: "Rumors….I'm not a vampire if that's what you heard! I'll have to kill you before…before!"

Jacob: " Vampire..Wha? Ahaha no no…Its just that…well…you and Bella…"

Edward: "…..Bella? My maid?"

Jacob: "Oh! She's your maid? Oh my…I..I didn't know I assumed you two were..well.."

Edward: "UGH NO! What? EW? No, oh no no no….You must be mistaken.."

Jacob: "It's just that I..When I first laid eyes on you..You seemed…"

Edward walks closer and grabs Jacobs hand.

Edward: "Jacob..Im not like that…I like…I mean…I've never loved anyone more than myself until you..you came into my life."

Jacob pulls his hand back.

Jacob: "DUDE what are you DOING?"

Edward: "What…? I…Guess I am confused now… gets confused…Edward is beautiful…and SMART!"

Jacob: "NOW that explains why you wear glitter all the time…Bro I'm not like that…I was talking bout like tag teaming Bella ya know..I mean..At first when I thought you were dating her I was like "ahh man now im gonna have to be like his rival and shit like..like vampires and werewolves ya know?"

Edward: "….no..?"

Jacob: " Anyways…I thought you could hook a brother up!"

Edward: "SO what youre saying is that you…like…..ehem…Bell…Bella?"

Jacob:" HA no..I don't LIKE her…But the whole mustache thing is kinda hot..and that foreign accent ya know? I dig it."

All of a sudden….

Crashing noised are heard from inside the gymnasium at the prom…of which the rest of the highschoolers are attending…inside..the school gym..you know..yeah…

Bella runs out of the jimnaisium, followed by dozens of other party-goers.

"CALIENTE! ES MUY CALIENTE! NOSOTROS VAMANOS!"

Jacob and Edward stare at Bella in confusion. "What the heck—"

"—are you talking about, Consuela?"

Alice runs out with Jasper. "Someone set the punch on fire! And then they started setting everyone else on fire—JASPER YOUR BUTT!" Alice took off her shoe and smacked him to put out his butt-fire.

"Thank you, Alice," He said with a pained expression.

Jacob and Edward looked alarmed. "What should we do? Someone call 911! The whole Gym could burn down!"

Bella was quick to respond. "SI, SI! ES MUY IMPORTANTE!"

Alice, Jasper, Edward and Jacob all shared a horrified look.

"Don't tell me," said Edward, "that YOU called 911! There's no way they understood your made-up language! They're probably driving to some unknown location…TO BE STABBED WITH FORKS! This is all your fault, Consuela!"

"NO, NO! ES MUY BUENO!"

Alice attempted to try to use her powers to see what Bella meant. "I'm getting a vision…of…a….a fire truck….no, there's a giant moustache! It's headed…OH GOD IT'S HEADED STRAIGHT FOR US! THE TERROR! HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION! THE END IS COMING!" Alice ran off the terrace, hair flaming.

Jasper looked on in horror. "NOOOOO!"

Jacob tried to calm everyone down. "Okay look you guys, let's all just chill out. Everyone will be fine. Edward; use your spidermonkey powers to get everyone off this terrace."

"B-but!" said Edward, "I might break a nail!"

"EWARDO, TU TRABAJAS EN WAL-MART!"

THE END

To be continued….


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